
Sketch: 06.25.20 | Say Hello
On June 02, 2020 my mom, Dona Faye Elrod passed away in Borger, TX after a 5 year battle with breast cancer. She was diagnosed stage 4 in early March of 2015āan unrelenting succession of grueling treatments began shortly after. During this entire time, her attitude remained positive and her emotional and physical availability for us never waveredāeven during the final days of her life. If you got to meet her, Iām so glad to know you had the opportunity to feel the positive energy that literally radiated from her soul. Iām confident this energy continues to radiate somewhere out there in another form, no doubt improving the lives of people, animals, and plants alike. I am profoundly grateful to have been with her, my spouse, and immediate family during the final days of her life.
She was at homeāin hospice care for the final 5 days. As a family, we experienced unbelievably intense waves of emotion multiple times a dayāwith her and amongst ourselvesāsadness, gratitude, loss, anger, laughter, connection (to name only a few). I didnāt know emotions could be felt so deeply. My mom is the most brave and sincere person I have ever knownāher soul lives on in my heart as pure positivity and I am committed to sharing her good vibes with everyone around meāIām 100% sure she would approve. Her last advice to me came during a phone conversation when I was stressing about something I should have been excited about (the cost of a new motorcycle given to me as a gift by my spouse). She told me with nonchalant confidence in her voice to ārelax and let yourself enjoy good things that come along in life.āĀ I am forever grateful for that final lesson.Ā
On May 25, 2020 George Floyd, a black man was murdered in Minneapolis by a white police officer in broad daylight. In the midst of a global pandemic, days of deep nationwide unrest + protest ensued. This was the backdrop during the majority of my momās 5 days of hospice care. Even though these events arenāt objectively related, itās impossible for me to separate them now because of their permanent overlap in my emotional memory. The most difficult truth I had to face with my momās illness was coming to terms with my complete inability to do anything to stop the cancer causing her body to shut downāthis was a soul-shattering frustration everyone in my family experienced repeatedly over the course of 5 years. I was in total shock when I saw the footage of George Floydās murderāit brought up similar sickening feelings of hopelessness and anger I was concurrently feeling about not being able to help my mom. Witnessing the blatant intentionality of the perpetrator (coupled with the inaction of their accomplices) was horrifying.Ā
Things like this should never happen, but sadly these events are, and have been common occurrences in the United States. The very recent murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Rayshard Brooks (to name only a few) shamefully add to a robust legacy of violent acts driven by racism in this country. Iām grieving the loss of my mom, and at the same time I feel an overwhelming avalanche of grief for the multitude of families who have been impacted by senseless acts of violence as a result of discrimination in this country. I am a white male sitting in a position of privilege. Because of my position, I will never be able to fully understand what it feels like to be discriminated against based on the color of my skin.
I am working to develop a deeper understanding of where we are now, how we got here, and how we can individually and collectively improve our society through mitigating discrimination and elevating equality in the United StatesāI am a dedicated ally in this endeavor. I believe lasting societal change happens over time through love, empathy, education, inclusiveness, respect, deep listening + self-reflection, and non-violent civil disobedience when necessaryāthese are all things that must be continuously practiced over time and can never be perfected. We must model these practices for ourselves, past, and future generations. It is necessary for us to co-navigate the incredibly difficult processes of breaking down and collaboratively re-building institutions in this country that were built on foundations of discriminationābased not only on race, but also gender, and sexuality. Iām voting in all local, state, and national elections in hopes of ushering in leadership that collectively envisions a more equitable and sustainable future for this countryāI hope you are too.Ā That said, the vast majority of the sustained effort must come from us.
I felt it was necessary right now to share this collection of heavy thoughts with you. My mom was a person who universally valued life in every wayāshe taught me it was ok to feel and share feelings sincerelyāwhich is what I have done as accurately and honestly as possible here. Thereās no way to express how much I will miss her. Thank you for reading this.Ā Ā
Iāve been thinking about making a journal for more than two years, but thinking and doing are two very different things. Iāve had several false startsāeach time something seemingly more urgent popping upāI think to myselfāIāll start this later, but in this moment I need to focus on āāā.
This notion of trading activities that keep the internal compass pointed in the right direction for things like email, slack, instagram, etc. is really a crappy trade, but sadly itās an easy one to make. And to make things worse, we pressure each other to do it all the time because of our jobs. The notion of ādoing something laterā could easily be a stand in phrase for ālazinessā or āavoidanceā even when filling the space with what could be considered āwork.ā The ugly truth is⦠things that keep the internal compass pointed in the right direction are generally super-difficult and time consuming endeavors that are fun to think and straight up hard to doāthere is no instant gratification. So, we settle for little dopamine spikes on instagram and netflix instead of digging into the difficult, long-term stuff. I wish it wasnāt so hard to change bad habits or practices that do us more harm than goodāor to create good habits! Unfortunately, our networked world is crushing our ability to wait comfortablyāto linger on one thing, to slow downāit seems now we need special training for those things. Iāve always been a sucker for irony, but this idea of doing something because you donāt want to do it in this context (a journal for me, where I sit and write) makes sense for so many reasonsāespecially in the midst of a global pandemic. We get in so deep with daily distractions sometimes it feels almost impossible to figure out the things we actually want to do in our lives, who we want to spend our time with, etc⦠Ironically, if we do get time to figure out what we really want to do, we are often deterred by the challenge of standing and the base of that mountain, searching for a peak so high itās hidden in the clouds.
Entries scribbled near-illegibly in my sketchbook recentlyācries for myself to help ⦠myself:
I still look good
I still feel good
I still feel passion
Iām not fucking done
I can work through this
Itās ok for something to take a long time
Allow yourself to take the timeāitās not a luxury, itās a necessity
Slow everything down
Lingerāinvestigate
Stop rushing through everything you do
Gratification is not meant to be instant
Stop expecting everything to be better immediatelyāitās notāitās a process
Stop fearing judgment from othersāespecially anyone thatās not a close friend or immediate family
why journal?
greetings, all:
Well, it’s been a few years in the making, but I’m finally getting around to starting this journal. In the following weeks, I’m hoping to build at least one post per week about any topic I happen to be interested in at the momentādesign-related or not. I’m on a quest to re-normalize an experimental writing and making practice that has unfortunately gone to the back-burner on the “keep warm” setting over the past few years, lol. This will not be a place for academic writing or researchārather, I hope to make it an imperfect playground for making and a platform to share content I’m curious / excited about these days. That’s all for now.
talk soon,
-jarred